Parenting and the culture of comparison
This news story jumped out at me today, in which it was suggested that many mums lie about how they are raising their children.
According to a Netmums survey over two thirds of mums have lied about how well they cope with being a parent. One in five fibbed about how much time they spend playing with their children and a quarter had been economical with the truth about how much TV they allowed their children to watch.
Personally I think those numbers are low-balling it. Furthermore I think it is entirely understandable.
Reason being, I can think of no endeavour on THIS EARTH which is scrutinised more than the role of parent.
The number of people and agencies which sit in judgement on parents is quite astonishing. It starts as soon as the babies hit the floor (so to speak), and it never really ends. What’s more, we’re never, ever prepared for it. We are under the microscope from day one, aren’t we?
[I say "we"; the research is aimed mainly at mums, still overwhelmingly the primary carers, but I appreciate the legion of SAHDs too, as well as those like me who share parenting when we can.]
We are bombarded with advice and instruction. Our children are compared against arbitrary benchmarks within hours of being born and that sets the pattern for the rest of their (and our) lives. If they (ie we) fall short, we feel we have somehow failed. From health to education, parents like you and me are constantly TOLD what to achieve; this level, that level, these scores on the chart, those points on the graph. At least.
Is it unsurprising therefore that we become steeped in a culture of comparison? It leaches into the mums’ groups, playgroups and playgrounds across the country.
Don’t misunderstand me; parents have every right to be proud of their children, but the culture of comparison leads us (either unwittingly or otherwise) into a war of one-upmanship which makes us look inward and self-analyse. If we don’t like the results, it is easy to see why we paint a picture of parenthood, complete with airbrushed-out unsavoury bits.
I should point out at this juncture that the entire industry in parental expertise (and it is an industry – if you don’t believe me, search Amazon) is a willing accessory in all this. For too long, too much opinion has been dressed up as fact, and only serves the fuel the blue flame of inadequacy.
Does this survey really tell us anything we didn’t already know, or at least suspect? I think not. Is there a parental “arms race” going on? I’m sure there is.
Is there such a thing as a perfect parent? Well, here’s the thing… Yes there is, but it’s not where you think it is.
You are probably already there. Yeah you, reading this piece. You may not feel like it, but this is purely because you compare yourself to others. Why do it? Our children, our lives and ourselves are all different in a million different and complex ways. Because of this simple fact, no one can pass judgement on your parenting skills without actually being you.
And because you ARE you, don’t you have a head start?
I saw this article too and I confess I have fibbed. It was more about my own insecurities at the time, when I just had my oldest child. I felt an overwhelming need to be “seen to be coping”. Now as a Mum of 3 and a step mum of 2 I am finally ready to accept that it’s perfectly acceptable to not be coping sometimes and, better still, be able to admit it!
Dear Garry, You sound extremely sensible, which is only to be expected from someone based in Yorkshire. I am not in the least surprised that the survey suggested we parents tell the odd porky-pie. Surely such behaviour is in the very nature of every parent, otherwise, how could we get our kids to do stuff? Our current one here in Aberdeenshire is ‘if you don’t finish writing your Christmas thank you letters in the next few days, the weekend won’t happen.’
Like your blog, and congrats !!! RS
Well said, HUN. I blogged a while back about parenting and I pointed out that we call ourselves “bad” parents but ultimately, someone who cares about whether they are a bad parent or not is automatically a good one (and I think that comment arose out of a Twitter conversation with you). The truly bad parents don’t care about anyone except themselves and do some awful things to their kids, which means the rest of us are good parents, right?
I hate that the media make such a song and dance about parenting. There are articles that knock parents almost daily, when most of us are just bumbling along doing our best. OK, maybe not exactly our best but perhaps the best we can manage when faced with the rest of what life throws at us. We know our kids the best and as you say, no-one can judge whilst they’re not living your life.
The survey might not tell us something we don’t already know but it might help to raise awareness that parents feel pressured to be perfect. And no-one really is, we’re humans and we all have faults.
Great post.
Great post and so true!
If we all spent more time focusing on what we do right and less time worrying about what we did wrong life would be a little less stressful.
I know for a fact I must give the impression that having 4 kids is easy when the reality is quite the opposite I just don’t see the benefit in off-loading my daily woes and its not in my nature. I made my bed, lie in it etc.
This was most evident when I had my 3rd. One of my closest friends had recently had her 1st baby and when she asked what weight my baby was her response was “yes, he beat you!”. Her son was born 2oz heavier and she saw this as ‘win’. Now is that due to her overwhelming competitiveness or, in her eyes, my one small failure? Mmmm I wonder…..
An interesting post, but I’m afraid I’m going to disagree with you in parts. I think that yes, parents can be competitive, and feel that they aren’t living up to ‘perfect’ standards, but I don’t think that being ‘told’ what to achieve is the problem.
My kids have just recently had checks from the Health Visitor, to assess whether they’re reaching various developmental milestones. But if, say, they thought my 2yo wasn’t talking at the level he should be, I wouldn’t see that as a criticism – I’d want to know what I, and they, could do to help. Similarly with levels at school – I think it’s important to know what sort of performance is normal, desirable and exceptional so that you know whether your child is achieving their potential, or needs some help and support. I know that lots of mothers can get worried about baby weight charts, but again the function of the chart is to identify health issues so that they can be treated.
I think the problem isn’t with benchmarks and advice being in place, but with the way people perceive them. Mothers, particularly new mothers, do take these things as criticism, but why? Maybe it’s modern living arrangements, with small ‘nuclear’ families and detachment from neighbours, extended families and communities: mothers feel under pressure as sole carer with no break and no trusted advice. I think the parenting ‘industry’, with so many books and superfluous products, contributes too. Of course the industry wants to make parents feel inadequate, as then they’ll spend more on stuff to make themselves ‘better’. However, I think it’s very unfortunate if these factors lead parents to feel suspicious or defensive about medical advice or school performance tests, as IMO these things are there to support your child’s development.
Sorry if I’ve misunderstood your post, but I read it as you grouping competitive parents (bad) and objective medical or evidence-based guidance (good) together, and personally I think it’s important to distinguish the two.
More generally, yes I sometimes lie about how much television my children watch, but I think on the whole I’m an excellent parent, as are most parents I know.
I agree. It seems as parents we are now driven by data and ‘new’ research, but the problem with data is that it relies on averages, it takes the norm. It makes little allowance for the diversity of humanity.
The first instance of this is the weight percentile chart. There were numerous parents within our anti-natal group who assumed that because there child was in a low percentile they need ‘beefing up’ with formula, to get a higher percentile.
Any concerned or anxious parents should watch the new film version of Freakanomics, it makes two comforting points. One, it doesn’t matter what you you try to do to improve the future of your child/children, you have already made all the decisions in your life that will affect their upbringing; the partner you have chosen, the job you have, your outlook on life, your position in society, the way you interact with your peers and family have all been set. So why fuss?
The second point, and my favourite, is; if you are the type of parent who sources, buys and reads the various ‘know how’ guides on parenting, then you are on the right path. Just by being the type of parent who buys these books and wants to do the best for their child, means you will do your child well (they also add that the guides won’t teach you sod all!)
i’m aligning with your last two commentators there. i think the english are adept at judging each other, and those judgements are wrapped up with our values, class, social behaviours, so yes, judgement is extended to how someone else treats their children.
people with something to promote, or with an agenda to advance, or a product to sell (anyone from advertisers, politicians, authors, corporates) all need to exploit those ‘hidden’ judgements, sometimes making them explicit. where there was not much of a judgment before, maybe one needs to be made! how did lunch boxes become so flippin controversial?! now we are all told how parents agonise over a packet of cheesy wotsits.
i think much of it is brought from nothing. and you can ignore it and do your own thing. that choice exists too.
Makes for interesting reading. As an adoptive parent, the analysis of your parenting skills starts way before you are even approved for adoption!
Perfect Parenting is what got me in to a real mess with PND. I never felt as though I was doing enough, being as good as the next person and letting my children down. I went in to pregnancy with pretty high and unachievable expectations due to the media, NCT classes and also being the baby of the family I had never dealt with children at all!
I really did believe that my boys would be better off without me. It took some drastic action, CBT and then some to actually get me to realise there is no such thing as a perfect mother.
There is a saying:
There is no one way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one.
Also
Being happy doesnt mean everything is perfect, it means that you have decided to look beyond the imperfections.
Both are on my chalkboard wall in the kitchen http://www.muminthemadhouse.com/2009/08/kitchen-chalk-board-wall/
As a mum of an autistic child I can honestly say that I do not lie about my role as a parent. She needs so much supervision, probably the same amount as a “typical” child aged 6/7 would require and I find being her mum the most rewarding job I’ve ever done and am ever likely to do.
There is too much competition to be a good parent, perfection can never be achieved. But sometimes parents need a little kick up the backside to realise their child isn’t perfect either.
CJ xx
The art of comparative parenting (or should that be competetive parenting?) is interesting. The benchmarks that are set are all about where a child should be at a certain age. Of course, if the comparators themselves are average then we are only going to acheive mediocrity.
That doesn’t me that I approve of the one upmanship of parenting, but, as with education, we should be the facilitators so that every child can reach their potential. Whatever that might be.
To quote my favourite film of all time … “Yes. We ARE all individual.” “I’m not.”
I came over to read today’s Gallery post and I’ve been sidetracked. I should have this one printed off to read on one of ‘those’ days.
I’ve read post before about comparative parenting, but for some reason this one really resonated.
Perhaps it’s because we’ve just had Christmas and lots of time with family. OH & I both felt we were parenting with an audience and both admitted how hard that is.
It does not matter how experienced another parent is, they’ve never parented MY child and that is what makes the difference.
You are so right. It is in our nature to search out the negative and ways to improve, then to compare ourselves to others. I have never experienced it so strongly as I have since becoming a parent. And yet what we actually all need is to support each other.
Thank for linking up to ShowOff ShowCase.
It’s crazy the way people pretend to be perfect and then if we don’t come close we beat ourselves up. My best example of this was when I was waiting in the hospital to have Aaron’s tongue tie snipped at 3 weeks’ old. A lady there had been trying to breastfeed unsuccessfully for about 10 days and was at her wit’s end. She’d not slept at all, was crying all the time and her hubby was terribly worried about her. Yet her BEST FRIEND did not tell her that her baby too had had a tongue tie…….! When the lady I met asked her why…. the answer was “we put that in a box” and swore never to think/talk about it again. The lady I met said it would have helped LOADS if her friend had talked her through it, but her friend wanted to keep up the perfect facade….! and that meant more!
It’s quite sad the lengths people go to to pretend to be perfect in parenting.
Liska x
It’s very true, it’s the hardest job on the planet and a composite part of that is guilt, we just all feel like we cant possibly be doing it right, but goodness knows we know a lot more now than our parents did with their haphazard methods… But the key factor.. Love .. Remains
Your article is so good I’ve bookmarked it already.