For those you leave behind…
The subject of this post is a difficult one. I apologise now if it makes readers upset, but I need to ask you a question.
Have YOU made allowance in your will for who will gain legal guardianship of your children should both you and your partner die?
Facing one’s own mortality is challenging. The thought of writing down in a legal document how your stuff is carved up when you die is enough to make you shove the idea back into the darkest, furthest recesses of your brain. If your back burner had a back burner, that’s where the idea would go.
If you have a young family the thought of dying and leaving them behind is even harder to contemplate.
When our two boys were toddlers we faced the unimaginable and visited a solicitor. This was because a work colleague told me if both Her Up North and myself were to die leaving both children orphans there would be no automatic right to guardianship by family members. I was astonished. I assumed some nearest kin would take over. Instead, we found out, children often have to be placed in temporary care until suitable guardians are found IF there are no instructions left in a will.
Needless to say, we were on the blower to our solicitor next day.
This was some years ago, but the subject came up last week. At the time, we entrusted our children to Her Up North’s parents should the worst happen. We discussed it with them and they were happy (if that’s the right word) to be so entrusted. Now however, they are older. My father in law will be 70 next birthday. We are wondering if we should reevaluate our wishes and the needs of our children in the event of catastrophe.
Everything is such a delicate subject. All what-ifs. Also, now our boys are eleven and nine do we ask their opinion? What if one says one thing and the other says different? We do know our original plan won’t be viable for ever. Moppet has nine years before he is 18 (the age up to which children need guardians) – and we have to do the rather morbid maths.
This entire subject got me thinking. How many parents of under-18s have made arrangements for their children’s care should the worst happen? Of course, no one expects to shuffle off at such an early stage in their lives and trying to appoint “new parents” for when you die is possibly the worst way to spend your time. But failing to leave instructions could mean the decisions are made by strangers.
It is unarguable that wills are important regardless of your family’s age. The consequences of dying intestate (as Her Up North’s grandparents did) are grief on top of grief. But I honestly think if you have a young family you owe it to them to sort their futures from every angle. For those you leave behind, the consequences of inaction could be dire.
I took a straw poll on Twitter last night and I’m putting it up here too. If you responded last night please vote again. I’m interested how much this issue is on the parental radar. Many thanks.
Jesus that’s shocking. We’ve thought about it but are having difficulty. His family live 130 miles away, but even if they lived next door, the answer would be no. I always thought my sister but not sure now as she’s so busy. I asked my mum but she’s 66 this year. I had considered a work colleague who is an excellent friend & as a single childless woman would love him so much, she’s so good with him. The other option I’ve been considering is a from-birth friend who has come back into my life after a oyr absense. He loves her & her children. Her family & mine used to be neighbours, she’s from a large family so there would always be friends for him, & her siblings are friends with mine. Natural choice what do you reckon?
For some the choices are very limited or even non-existent. I guess you have a feeling for who you feel would be suitable. The question is, would they agree. That would be a difficult conversation to have. Imagine if a friend turned up and asked YOU…
A the moment it would have to be my parents without a doubt, anyone else and it would mean our son having to go back to England and that would mean him leaving everything he knows at the worst time possible.
And of course, circumstances and attitudes change as your family grows up, so it is important to keep any decision under review.
We went through the same thing when DS was little. We did not want certain folk being his guardian so went to a solicitor & ended up with quite a long document with various ‘what ifs’. He’s 34 now so the guardianship is not a problem. We may have to think about where the money (what little there is) goes given his present situation though!
Ah the money side can be a tricky one too. You never know, if grandchildren appear that will complicate things further…
Yours sincerely, harbinger of doom…
Thank you for writing this, you have reminded me that we need to see a lawyer about a will.
We have thought about it but are not sure what to do. It is complicated by the fact that we are a German/UK family so we need to get advice from a lawyer who knows international family law.
When we had our children, we said that the best person to look after them would be my brother, who was then a bachelor. He has since married and had his own children, so I don’t think that we could burden him with two more.
The only people I would like to be foster parents for my children, are my very good friends and neighbours, but they are American and will be going back to US later this year. That would be unfair on both sets of grandparents.
It is so hard.
It certainly is. The hardest thing is, I think, having the discussion with all involved. Such a huge responsibility to put on someone. Good luck.
I have thought about this subject on and off over many years, but have never gotten round to doing anything about it. I’m a single parent, money is tight and although I have not looked into it I should imagine it will cost money to have a will drawn up, how much I’m not sure?
I have discussed my wishes with my ex and my family and we are all clear about who the children would live with, but as you say these things are not cut and dry.
You have once again put this subject in the forefront of my mind…maybe now is the time to act!
Maybe so. Single parents may qualify for free legal advice when appointing a guardian via the Legal Help scheme. Assuming Cameron hasn’t abolished it.
It’s something I’ve thought about, a lot! But I haven’t actually done anything about it because I honestly don’t know who would care for my children should anything happen to me. I just pray nothing does happen because I can’t bear to think what would become of my children
It is so, so awful to think about it, that is true. Of course, if there is genuinely no one among friends and family who are suitable and willing, then no such provision can be made. However, there is still the financial side to take care of…
I wanted to suggest my Mum and step dad but OH said that being older our children could potentially face another death before theynwere old enough not to require guardians (my mum is only 54 tho so she is not that old!)
So far he wants his brother and sister in law who have 2 kids already and i would like my best friend who is also married with 2 kiddies. We cannot agree so we haven’t down anything still. It is a hard decision and one you don’t want to think about but we shoud and we mus address it again.
Great post because it gets us all thinking x
Thank you for your kind comment. I’m absolutely no expert in this field, but I wonder if some sort of joint custody would be allowed between your best friend and one in-law. Dunno, tricky one.
I spent some time working at a life assurance company on secondment in my late 20s and I kind of absorbed lots of things from there. I knew the importance of making a will, and when we got married, we knew we had to update our wills to reflect. We couldn’t put down our parents because they were already older than your inlaws, so we’ve put down OH’s sister because she loves children, and has raised six of her own, as well as a grandson just a bit older than Monkey. If the worst happened, the kids’ lives would be turned upside down anyway but she lives up in Cumbria, so they would have to move.
People also think they write a will once and that’s it when in reality, you do really need to update it as situations change.
We don’t want to think about the worst, but I am certainly happier knowing that if something awful happened, then my wishes would be respected and not only that, our affairs could be sorted out with a minimum of fuss and disruption to the children.
Absolutely. It’s all about covering the bases isn’t it?
We have done this, it was one of the first things we did after Maxi was born as we didnt want our parents (on either side) to bring up the boys if anything happened
Well done, you. It sometimes takes a resolute desire for something NOT to happen to motivate oneself.
We have thought about this but we haven’t done it yet, mainly because we never have any money I don’t know if you can do it free. I haven’t looked into it, I need to admit my stupidity in this area.
But we really should do it, as I do NOT (yes I am shouting) want Baba to be brought up by anyone on Mr L’s side. But I don’t want my parents to bring him up as my mum is 68 this year already and my dad is not healthy at all. So I would want my sister to bring him up, as my nephew is only 3years older than Baba so she is still doing the same things. But his godmother would financially support him, which she does already with a trust fund that she has for him.
We also really need to get it sorted as we aren’t married, but own a house etc etc, it is all very complicated and Mr L has relatives that he does not speak to. He has another brother that we know about and there could be another one as well, and his father is still alive as well. I am going to have to speak to him now, and try and get this organised xx
I think unmarried couples have it more complicated in this issue. Fathers who are not married to their child’s mother do not have automatic parental responsibility.
Such complications may make it more expensive to get that will (although not necessarily more expensive than getting married!). I’ve noticed that some banks and building societies, and some insurers, offer wills services.
This is something we have thought about alot but we cant agree on, naturally the boys would go to their dad but the 2 little ones, i would want them to go to my side of the family but OH would want them to go to his side, if they went to his side they would never see their brothers! It’s such a hard one but its a decision we are going to have to face!
Complicated families do make it a tough one to call. It is also worth noting that any provision made for guardianship can be challenged, as with other items in a will.
We have. The day we went to sign our will was one of the worst days in my life.
I do think we need to change it a bit now as my 2 oldest are over 18 and I think they would want a say and maybe to raise the little ones as well.
Absolutely, and this is a perfect illustration of how changing circumstances demand a reevaluation of your wishes.
We were only talking about this the other night – it’s a sensitive subject! But ultimately we both agreed on my sister who has a little girl the same age as our youngest. Should something happen to her and her husband then we would also take care of my niece. Now just need to get the will done!
It sounds like the discussion bore fruit, so well done. Yep, you need to get that in writing now
Our son was about two months old when we finalised all the paper work. Better to be prepared for the worst just in case!
Indeed it is.
Thanks for raising this. It’s an important point, and I wonder how many other parents are like us and intending to get wills sorted “one day”. We first said we should get wills sorted when I was pregnant with the now-three-year geekdaughter. Now we have the geekson to worry about as well.
I’ll be raising this up the “to do” list, as I must get it sorted soon.
Looking at the poll so far, there are about 63% in the NO boxes and only 37 percent in the YES box. Almost two to one?
We wrote a will with detailed instructions after my father died intestate. That concentrated the mind.
Yeah I can imagine it did. Thank you for commenting.
I really need to legalize things. We haven’t made a formal will, but I have ensured that I have written out what I’d like to happen and had it witnessed. My husbands sisters are not stable enough to take the responsibility and as it’s all the girls have known I’d like them to stay in Canada so the best choice right now is my Mother in Law
Strangely it’s on my mind a lot. Suddenly finding myself as a single parent I have absolutely no idea what to do or what would happen because my circumstances are very complicated. I was talking about it the other day though and said to my own mother to remind me to do a will asap because it is a huge worry.
I don’t have children but I utterly commend you and Her Up North for giving this serious thought and doing something about it. Nobody wants to face up to their mortality, but I guess the thought of your children not only being without their parents at a young age but being placed in the care of someone who wouldn’t be your first or even second choice, means you owe it them to sort it out legally.
Great post mate! You’re absolutely right too, & thanks for raising the issue. We’re in a similar situation to the one you describe, & we’ve talked about it but not yet reached a decision. You’re right: we should decide quickly; thanks for the reminder.