Left to their own devices
Can you remember your first time? I was thirteen. My oldest son is eleven and has already done it. My wife did it when she was fourteen at a neighbour’s house. And she got paid for it.
I’m talking (of course) about being left in the house without adults around, either alone or looking after younger children.
The U.K. Express newspaper yesterday highlighted the case of a 41-year old mum who left her 14-year old son in charge of his 3-year old sibling for half an hour while she popped to the shops and ended up receiving a police caution for “cruelty”. She remains suspended from her job as a healthcare worker because the caution is on her record.
The subject was debated on Radio 2′s Jeremy Vine programme (listen here – available for next 7 days)
So when is it okay to leave your children alone? Let’s start with the law.
The law is vague. There’s no legal age limit for leaving a child on their own, but it’s an offence to do so if it places them at risk. Parents can be prosecuted for neglect if they leave a child unsupervised “in a manner likely to cause unnecessary suffering or injury to health”. This law was placed on the statute books in 1933.
Like I said, I was thirteen when, on a weekly basis I would be left alone on a Saturday night for two to three hours. There were ground rules. No opening the door to anyone. If there was a problem I knew there were neighbours on hand. Was I being put at risk? Was there cruelty afoot? Personally I thought it was rather cool but as a teen I would do. My mum knew I was sensible and wouldn’t have done it if she had thought I was apprehensive.
Her Up North earned pocket money babysitting for neighbours when she was fourteen. She was put in sole charge of youngsters while their parents went out. No one thought it weird and certainly not criminal. The neighbours knew her to be sensible (that word again), and didn’t have to lock the booze away.
In fact it’s only when we became parents ourselves that we questioned these seemingly normal events of the past.
Up until only last year, the thought of our boys on their own would not enter our heads. However, as with all facets of family life as your children get older, you have to reevaluate.
The Wunderkind started coming home from school by himself when he started year 6. The offsetting of school closing times meant he would be home while his mum was still out collecting his younger brother. What to do? He was adamant he didn’t want to walk home with mum and little bro. My god, he was eleven! So rather than let him wander the streets, we entrusted him with a key. On occasions since, he has been allowed to stay home – on his own, not looking after his brother – rather than be dragged out without need.
Once again, there are ground rules. No answering the door. No answering the phone unless it is his mobile. No going out and no letting any friends in. All these upon pain of death or, worse than that, confiscation of PS3 privileges.
We do this because we know the titian-haired one is (yes, you guessed it)… sensible. He knows we’re trusting him in a big way and he is happy with the situation.
Come on then, copper. Throw the book at me…
But wait. Before you take me down, let’s consider what is needed here.
The case of the unnamed mum emphasises the huge grey area which exists on this issue. Do we need a more prescriptive law? Or should parents be allowed to make decisions based on how well they know their own children?
There have been some terrible, high-profile cases of neglect – children left to fend for themselves while parents went on holiday, for example – but you have to suspect that no law in the land would have prohibited these idiots from making such selfish decisions. You can’t legislate for shit parenting.
From that realisation, it is not hard to see that tighter laws would chip away at the rights and weaken the responsibilities of those of us who try our damnedest to be good parents in a modern, busy world.
What is important is good guidance and to allow mums and dads to do their jobs, not the long arm of the law.
On the issue of guidance the NSPCC has a leaflet available (free pdf download) on this subject.
So what are your experiences of home alone childhood? Were you left to your own devices as a kid? What are your thoughts on leaving your own children alone? Has there been a societal change in attitudes?
My mother went back to full-time work when I was about 10. I was already walking to school (about 1 mile) by then with my sister, who is 18 months younger than me. We would walk home and let ourselves in although my elder sister would be home around a similar time. She was about 14 and my other sister about 16 but I think she was already working by then. Mum would come home from work around 6pm so we would be home for 2 hours although I seem to remember she worked one late night a week (she worked in Waitrose) so we’d be home along for longer but my Dad might be home about half 6ish.
Thanks, Kate. I’m guessing no one batted an eyelid at this arrangement. Your mum obviously trusted you all.
Nope, nor the fact that I walked on my own to middle school for 2 school years before my sister moved up. She was actually in the year below me and they reconfigured the schools around then. I think I walked with my mum part of the way – where our route overlapped then walked up the hill and through the estate where my middle school was. And no, it was NOT frowned upon.
That’s a really interesting subject, and as you say, one with many grey areas. I was also a ‘sensible’ child and baby-sat for about half a dozen different families. They all knew my Mum, who works within the community, I wan’t ever one of the kids they saw hanging around the estate, and I went to a grammer school, so I guess I was the ideal candidate.
On that note, the school I went to was about 14 miles away from my house, so I would do an hour and a bit bus journey each way, everyday, and although I was with a group of other kids from my school, I was essentially responsible for myself, from the age of 11, and trusted to get a bus from a bus station at 7am and get myself to and from school. I was also a latch-key kid, which never put me in any harm or ended in disaster. I think it all depends how we raise our kids. I would have been too scared of punishment, and too respectful of my parents, to do anything wrong, which is ironic, as I’ve never been smacked, or had any punishment worse than a short grounding, but that’s down to the fact that I was a well-behaved child and raised well, I guess.
Until I got to 16, then I became possessed by some sort of demon for a few years!
Making up for lost time eh?
OH and myself had the school bus discussion when there was a chance that Wunderkind would be going to a school in the next town. I had no qualms (I bussed it to school from age 11) but OH was apprehensive (she didn’t go to high school on public transport until nearly 14).
Tricky subject this one as in my experience parents views differ quite a lot.
I had a wonderful Mother who lived for her 6 kids. As a single parent she achieved so much ie; built her own house, got her Psychology degree and worked hard to become a social worker and was one of the first Brits to bravely buy in Bulgaria. I truly admire her courage. However (I’m not knocking my Mum here) when I was only 12 she frequently left me to babysit three of my younger brothers and sometimes took us to work with her in Oxford street and let me roam around all day on the buses & tubes with my 3 yr old brother in a buggy! We often spent the day alone in Hamleys.
I couldnt be more opposite…infact I am a bit neurotic and struggle to even leave my 15 yr old alone if I go shopping. I think mainly because I know through personal experience that I hated being left alone…really hated it. And I always swore I’d be the opposite with my own kids. Mum was only trying her best to build us all a better life as our father was unsupportive and she refused to live on any benefits so I understand why she did it.
Circumstances play a big part in the life events which shape us, don’t they? I guess when we grow up we can flip one way or the other: be like our parents or be diametric opposites.
It’s funny, because despite all my earlier comments, I totally agree with Mama Syder, I wouldn’t dream of leaving my daughter to her own devices when she’s older. I’m an extremely attached mother, and have never been away from her for more than a couple of hours, so the thought of her doing all the things I did gives me an actual stomach ache! I’m studying for my psychology degree at the moment and am considering all sorts of careers so that I can structure my working day around my girl when she starts school!
I find it bizarre that a teen was deemed not sufficient to look after a toddler for a short time.
As a young teen (well probably from about age 12) I looked after my (5 yrs younger) brother. I had always helped my mum since he was born and was very familiar with how to look after a child. I knew what to do if anything went wrong. (much like the governments own advice at http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Yourchildshealthandsafety/Yourchildssafetyinthehome/DG_070594 )
My own daughter is 11 and very sensible. I would leave her alone for short periods (although not looking after another child yet) because children need to learn, in a gradual and controlled way, how to cope alone. It is very strange that the Government advice says ‘children under 16 should not be left alone overnight’ yet the day after their 16th birthday they could be married and living alone!
I think we need to be able to teach our children in a sensible way, how to handle responsibility, and usually parents are very good judges of their own children.
It’s a shame this woman accepted the caution, I think I would take it to court, surely a jury of my peers would see sense?
Married and alone the day after your 16th birthday? That is some set of events! LOL
I’m being facetious. I know what you mean. The cut-off points always seem very arbitrary, don’t they? You’re absolutely right about giving children responsibility.
I regularly let my 13 year-old neighbour look after my two boys during the day. In the evenings her sister babysits who is 15. Their parents are both next door and on-hand. They are both responsible girls. I think that it’s appalling that the law has persecuted this 41 year old mum when there are serious cases of abuse and neglect being ignored.
Totally agree. It just seems everyone has their priorities wrong. This poor woman knew her family well enough to do what she did and now she’s paying the price. Shame on the police and on the folks who shopped her.
I think it has to based on how sensible the Child is if honest…Children differ greatly.
I would Babysit my 2 yr Old Brother when I was 14 whilst my Parents would go to the Supermarket. I was used to helping out with him while he was a Baby with Parents present so I was trusted when a little older for short periods.
I trust my Daughter for short periods as she is very sensible.
It is a very dark area and I think it does have to be based on each Child…they are all totally different!
I agree. One law fits all is not right in this area.
For me personally, I can’t leave Amy on her own and she’s eleven. I doubt I’ll be able to leave her on her own when she’s 16 either, but that’s because she’s autistic and being sensible simply doesn’t come into the equasion. She is sensible, for a child with autism. But if I left her in a situation which “could” endanger her, then I would only have myself to blame. I don’t want to wrap her in cotton wool, but I do wrap her in sheep’s wool. Shit joke, I know.
However, I used to babysit for neighbours when I was 12, 13, 14 and they would go out for hours, entrusting their little angels to my rebellious hands and expecting me to read stories, put them to bed and even give them a bath on some occasions. Would we do that these days? What’s happened is there are too many do-gooders spoiling the world, taking away responsibility from parents and children and driving them to a life of rebellion. If this law was passed in 1933, then I am quite certain it is due an overhaul. Unfortunately, we live in a society of “perfect” powers-that-be, who think they have a right to parent our children for us. If children, by that I mean, young teenagers, are treated like “kids”, they will only know to act like them. It’s the minority who spoil it for the rest of us. It’s a very thorny issue, but until the country gives back the right to parent to the parents, we will be stuck on this backwards spiral of opinionated do-gooders.
CJ xx
Brilliant sentiments and ones which totally match my own.
I was left at home from a young age all the time but I had lots of older siblings and the neighbours were always in and out.
I leave my 13 year old daughter alone for a few hours here and there when she does not want to come out with me but only in the day time and she loves it. I think it is part of them learning to grow up and get a little bit of independence. Again, she is sensible and has a list of safety instructions to follow not answereing the front door, telephone, only her mobile and not posting the fact that she is home alone on facebook!
As we live in a quiet country lane, I am not ready to leave her alone in the evenings. However, I have friends who live in busy streets with neighbours close by that do leave their 13 year olds at home in the evenings.
I think we need to assess each child individually and each situation independently. There cannot be one rule fits all. I also think as a society we have become a bit paranoid about child safety and the precautions that we take and this does hold our children back from becoming independent, ( I too am guilty of this).
Quite so. The fear culture driven by high profile cases of neglect, inflamed by the media, serves to make everyone in authority scared of their own shadows.
I think you’re right that more definite guidance would be a bad thing, as it undermines parents’ ability to make a decision about how much they can trust their child. However, I’m not sure that there isn’t more to this situation than is being reported. What were the circumstances that led to the police finding out she’d left the children, and cautioning her? Ok, there was “no incident”, but we don’t know what did go on – perhaps the 14 year old clearly isn’t sensible and responsible? We have to hope that the police were making the right judgement call in cautioning her.
I think a more important point about this case is that she was given very bad legal advice (or perhaps didn’t access any). Anyone with a job that requires a clear CRB check should think very carefully before they accept a caution – she would have been better to refuse and let them decide whether to take it to court – chances are they wouldn’t have done and she’d still be able to work now.
Good point re. the caution. I hadn’t seen it that way.
When I was 12 my friend and I used to babysit regularly for a couple of neighbours, it was great we got paid for it and got time together to chat watch the TV programmes we wanted to and listen to our music. Now looking back yes we were perfectly responsible enough to sit in their houses and not do anything silly, but if there had been a real emergency I don’t think we would have been mature enough to deal with it as an adult would, we were in fact only children ourselves and I don’t think we realised the enormity of that responsibility. Thankfully nothing happened the children slept in their beds and we didn’t ever have to experience anything that we maybe could not have handled. I for one would never have left a 12 year old child in charge of my young children and would certainly not allow even my 15 year old to take on such a big responsibility…how times have changed.
It’s funny but my youngest son must be the same age as your boy in year 6 but I could never, ever leave him on his own in the house even if I wanted to, it would simply freak him out. It’s strange because he is very independent in other ways he walks to and from school on his own in preparation for ‘Big School’ plays in the local park with his friends, but would absolutely hate to be left home alone and so I would never ever leave him either alone or with his older brother because I know he would be terrified. On the other hand my older boy now 15 was left on his own on occasions around the age of 11 and loved it.
So this goes to prove that parents really do know best when it comes to their own children, and if they are responsible parents will know instinctively when it is right to leave their child home alone as it really does depend on the individual child.